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October 9, 2012
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"Daddy! Daddy!" A girl's cheerful voice chirped, followed by soft footsteps the were running to find the person she was calling.

"Ye- Uff!" The girl's father start, but was quieted when he felt her headbutt his stomach.

He stumbled to the floor, catching his giggling daughter on the chest.

"Haha! I made you fall!" She shouted. Even though she was 13, Natalie was a daddy's girl that took after her father's childishness.

"He, I guess you did," Alfred stood up, holding the girl to his height. "So, whaddya want? Hungry?"

"Uh-uh," Natalie shook her dirty blonde head. "I just had a question."

"OK, what?" He set her down in the living by the couch, where his on-again-off-again girlfriend-turned-wife, _____, was sitting, reading like the bookworm she was.

"How did you and mom meet?"

"Uhh...." Alfred froze, then glance at ______, who was also panic glancing at him.

"Well...That's kind of a long and very strange story." ____ set her book down and rubbed the back of her head.

"Well, i've got plenty of time and i'm sure i'm mature enough to handle it." Natalie rolled her (e/c) eyes.

"Oh please, you freak out when you find out i'm fixing mac'n'cheese." _____ pushed her daughters shoulder.

"Fine...But I still wanna know." Natalie crossed her arms tightly and pouted.

"OK fine, but you've been warned." Alfred stood up again once again and cleared his throat.

"Now, it was a summer night..."

~~

"Are you sure this was a good idea?" Arthur asked for the billionth time.

"Totally, seriously Artie, you need to loosen up, have a beer or something." Alfred slapped Arthur's back.

"Git! I told you not the call me that!" The Brit snapped.

"Whatever, just have fun." Alfred waved his off. "This is the BTT's party, our parents dont even know we're here."

"...We're leaving in an hour."

"Dude!"

"If you're not ready by then, you're walking home." Arthur turned his back to Alfred and walked away with his arms crossed.

"Pfft, tightass." Alfred mumbled, turning the other way.

He walked towards the make-shift bar, handing out beers and fruity girl drinks. He took a beer for himself and sipped it while looking up. The night was pretty clear, no clouds and the stars were clear.

"Nice night," He said. Alfred tried to take another sip, but found his bottle empty already.

The time in between the first beer and the next hour and a half were a blur to him. All he could remember was mindlessly stumbling around. But fear not, the story get interesting here.

As Alfred was walk/limping (limping for unknown reasons) around the party of thinning people, as it was 3:00 AM on a Thursday night.

The remaining people were gathered around a fire, more specially a bonfire. Burning a telephone pole, not sure where they got a telephone pole, but it's pretty high up there on the drunk theft list.

When drunk, people are like moths, attracted to bright lights, hence solving the mystery of why Taco Bell consist of mostly drunk people. So, Alfred walked close the the fire.

When he was just feet away, his foot snagged on a blanket.

Who the hell brings a blanket to the beach? As that obvious question went through his mind, Alfred shortly realized something.

"Those flames are close to my face," He muttered, then reality hit. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

So out of nowhere came Gilbert, on instinct he does some drunk Jackie Chan flying leap, kicks Alfred out of the flames, then proceeds to stomp him out.

While the American cringed from getting his holy regions stomped on, he shortly realized that his hands were now black (literally).

"Um, ok..." Gilbert thought outloud. "Toni...I need you to go to the cooler...and get Jones a cold beer for each hand.

Great know they're performing drunk triage on me... Alfred though, burying his hands in the nice cold sand, then dipping them in the nice cold salt water.


"AHHHH!" He screamed a second time, running back to shore.


"...We could take him to the hospital?"

"Nah...it's way to early to end this party..." Gilbert ran a hand though his white hair. "Ok, I got an idea. You know that a lifeguard comes here everyday to do...something?"

"Yeah." Toni nodded, not sure where he was going with this.

"I have formed a plan." He smirked.

~Three hours Later~~


"Hey...Hey Alfred, get up."

Alfred felt something jab his side. "C'mon get up."

"..." Alfred grunted, then felt himself being pulled up.

"OK listen, there's a lifeguard here, but she doesn't know we're here." Gil started to explain. "So here's our plan: You're a homeless guy and we found you on the beach."

"OK, i'm a 17 year old burnt homeless boy, in new Nikes and a band T-shirt."

"Ehh...Sure, let's go with that." Gilbert said before pushing Alfred though the curtain that was the door the the lifeguard's hut.

Inside was a girl, about his age with (h/c) in a messy ponytail, eyes shielded by mirrored sunglasses and a red one-piece.

"Can I help you?" She took off her sunglasses and walked over to him.

"Umm...my hands." Alfred was at a loss for words, his sleepiness and hangover combined along with this pretty girl was making a bad combination.

"Oh...My god what happened to you?" The girl grabbed his wrist and pulled him into a chair.

"I kinda fell...on a burning telephone pole, umm..."


"____, just call me ____." She answered, pulling bottles and a roll of gauze out of a cabinet while trying not to laugh at his explanation. "Don't worry, this will only hurt a bit."

"Uh oh."

And for the next hour, _____ bandaged up his 2nd degree burnt hands, arms and put ointment on his much lesser burns. They spend the time talking, and found themselves laughing quite a bit.

"You know, you seem really nice, but maybe you should lay off the drinking for a while..." Her voice trailed off.

"Yeah, after this i'm cutting back so much." Alfred shook his head wildly to show his seriousness.

____ laughed as she cut the final bandage. "Well, that's good. It's all in moderation." She said. "K, you're good to go, lucky I could patch them up here."

"Yeah." Alfred looked down at his hands. "So...what's your shift here?"

"6:00 AM to 1:00 PM every Friday, Saturday and Wednesday, only summers though." ____ smiled back at him.

"Hmm, maybe i'll see you around." Alfred grinned and stood up. "Well, I should get going."

"Yeah, you were out here pretty early." She closed the cabinet door after putting away the last of the supplies.

"True, bye ____." Alfred waved goodbye and walked out. "Hmm, she seemed nice, pretty hot too."

When Alfred reached the parking lot, reality hit once a gain. "Aw shit, Artie took the fucking car!"

~


"-And that's how I met your mother." Alfred finished. "By getting drunk, falling into a bonfire, and camping at the beach until morning so she could bandage me up."


"Uh..." Natalie looked at her dad like he was on drugs.

Next to her, ____ was facepalming, very hard.

"Wow...That is so cool! This is so going on Tumblr!" She announced, jumping from the couch and running up the stairs to her room.
What is this- I can't even....

I was bored ok? And watching comedy central, this special came on and this legitimately happened to some guy, well most of it but I added some stuff here and there to make a reader insert out of it.

The way he told this story was so hilarious...I wish I knew who the guy was so I could tell you.
I though it was funny...

Edit: The guys name is Christopher Titus, just found that out thanks to :iconotaku-evolution: .

Enjoy!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconigame101:
IGame101 Featured By Owner May 27, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"Wow...That is so cool! This is so going on Tumblr!"

dude thats me
Reply
:iconkurino-sama-alpha:
kurino-sama-alpha Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014
Christopher Titus is so freaking hilarious!!! that story makes me laugh so damn hard every time!!! *on the ground, holding middle and kicking legs out like a spaz* you used the perfect characters for this situation!!!!
Reply
:iconflames-of-awesome:
Flames-of-awesome Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This would make great episode for 'How I Met Your Mother'! X3
Reply
:iconaflred-f-jones:
Aflred-F-Jones Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
AW SHIT ARTIE TOOK THE FUCKIN' CAR!!!!!!
Reply
:iconaflred-f-jones:
Aflred-F-Jones Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this was a really great story i could see both America actualy that
Reply
:icondedesoswag:
dedesoswag Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I wanna meet my daughter
Reply
:iconvodkaflagella:
VODKAflagella Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student General Artist
:iconfaceeverythingplz:
Reply
:iconkandyrain:
KandyRain Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013   Artist
LOL she's putting it on tumblr? OH CRAP! *hides*
Reply
:iconai-alchemy:
Ai-Alchemy Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Student Filmographer
XD great job
Reply
:iconjenn0607:
Jenn0607 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012
That was hilarious!
Reply
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