That was the only thought running threw your mind as you tightly held the thin stick in your hand that was marked with two red line.
Two lines that indicated there was a baby growing inside you.
"Oh god," You whispered, tears threatened to fall. "Why, why now? Why at all?"
You dropped the pregnancy test to the bathroom floor and gripped your (h/c) hair in your hand.
"...How am I gonna tell him...?" You wondered aloud as the thought of your Danish boyfriend, Mathais KÝhler.
After a few more minutes of wallowing in thought, you unlocked the bathroom door and slowly stepped out. You swallowed the lump in your throat, again, and took a deep breath to calm your nerves.
"Mat," You spoke out, your voice barely above a whisper. "I-I need to t-tell you s-something."
"Hm?" He lifted his head of spiked blonde hair away from the TV and looked up at you. "Sure, what is it, babe?"
You gulped again, taking the seat next to him on the couch and gentle taking hold of his hand.
"Mat, I...i'm pregnant." You forced an uneasy smile and looked down slightly.
"Pregnant?" He repeated. "Like, a baby...inside you?"
He was asking questions a 2nd grader would question, as if all his education had suddenly left him.
Your wild heartbeat started to slow, thinking everything was going to be alright.
Until Mathais stood up.
"Wow...uh _____," He rubbed the back of his neck. "I...I'll be right back."
He left the living room and went into the bedroom you two shared. As soon as the door closed, you followed him, crouched down and put your ear to the door.
"....She's fucking pregnant! How the hell was I suppose to react!" You heard him shout, most likely in his phone.
Your heartbeat shot up again as you were taken back by the shouting.
So he doesn't want this, You thought. I should of known... I should of known!
You picked yourself off the floor, searched for a scrap of paper and a pen that hardly had any ink left, and wrote a quick note, leaving it taped to the coffee table.
Just as you ran out of the door, tears spilled over your eyes and streamed down your cheeks.
"...And that's what happened." You finished.
The place you had chosen to go to was the home of two people you were rather close to, your gay friends, Ludwig and Feliciano.
"Oh, i'm sorry bella." Feli said while rubbing your back to comform you.
"I, I just don't know what to do." You said. "I mean, it is our baby, but I don't want to lose him over this. I love him."
"I'm afraid I can't offer much advice here," Ludwig shook his head of slicked back blonde hair. "Just do what you know you won't regret."
"You're right," Your rubbed your forehead then sniffed. "I should talk to Mathais about this, before I jump to conclusions."
You turned slightly and wrapped your arms around both of the men. Feli returned your hug, Ludwig stiffened but eventually did as his boyfriend did and hugged you back.
"Thanks guys," You whispered as you let them go and stood up. "I should get home, I have to get this figured out."
Ludwig nodded. "Alright, I wish you luck."
"Me too bella."
"Thank you, bye guys," You waved goodbye as you slipped through the door.
"Mat, i-i'm back." You half-opened the door and peered inside. "Mat?"
"_____, there you are," Mathias walked through the doorway to the kitchen and in front of you. "Where'd you go?"
"I went to Ludwig and Feli's, I just needed to talk to them." You answered, looking at the floor and placing your small hands over your still flat stomach. "Mat, we need to talk about this."
"About the baby? I know, I was waiting for you to get back." He gently took your hand and rubbed it softly.
"So do you have any thoughts?" You asked, even thought you already knew the answer.
"Yes, actually...I-I don't know if i'm ready for a kid." He admitted. "I mean, this is a really big thing, I just don't know if i'm ready to be a dad yet..."
"Oh...I understand." You looked up at him, blinking a single tear away. "I love you Mat."
"I love you too, _____." He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a tight hug. "So much..."
"I'll go make the appointment." You untangled yourself from him and walked slowly to retrieve your phone.
"I'll come back in an hour." Mathias gave you a soft shoulder pat as he walked you threw the door of the clinic. "Be strong for me."
"I will." You breathed as he turned away.
You checked in at the front desk, giving them your name and told them about the appointment you made in advance yesterday.
"Of course, your miss _____ _____?" An Asian women with a name tag that read 'Mrs.Hoshiko' asked.
"Yes, that me." You answered.
"Well, your right on time, i'll take you to your room now." She stood up as another lady in a nurse uniform took her place.
Mrs.Hoshiko lead you threw a few different hallways that smelt of cleaning chemicals until she found an empty room and lead you inside.
"Now, just lie down on that bed and pull your shirt up, but just to your chest." She said.
You nodded shakily and did as she said. "Will this hurt?" You asked.
"No, not at all," She said. "It's just a sonogram, to see how far along you are."
She open a small jar, scoped something yellow-ish out and started rubbing it one a small area on your stomach. It felt cold and almost like a gel.
You relaxed your neck and closed your eyes, trying to calm down, but that marathon-runner heartbeat wouldn't go way.
"You look to be about 6 weeks along," The nurse spoke up, grabbing your attention. "It looks to be a boy, but it's too soon to tell."
"Huh?" You tensed your neck again and looked up at the sonogram that showed a black&white image the formed the vague shape of a baby. "Oh."
Mrs.Hoshiko turned the sonogram off, but the image stayed in your head.
"The pills and a glass of water are on the table next to you," She said. "When you've taken them, just take a short nap, i"ll be back in about an hour to get you.
As she left the room, you sat up and pulled your shirt back down. The image of the baby was still burned in your brain, but you couldn't feeling anything, you just felt numb.
On the small table next to you, two pills were set beside the half-full glass, one to be taken later, and one for now. You pick the small pill up, placed it on your tongue and forced yourself to swallow it along with the icy water.
For the next you minutes, the numbness stayed. You felt nothing, like you were sleepwalking.
"Maybe I should take a nap." You mumbled. As soon as your head hit the pillow, you were out cold.
A small thumping noise was heard up stairs in the night. Any normal person would of been frightened, or startled in the least. But this isn't reality, it's a place were fears can't hurt you.
A youthful looking women with (h/c) hair slowly climbed the steps to the attic, let call her ____. She opened the creaking door, not to see a mouse or other animal that had managed to find it's way inside, but a small boy.
He had pale skin, almost white and ghostly, soft looking blonde hair and large (e/c) eyes, he was sitting crossed-legged on the ground, playing with an old toy of the girl's.
"Who are you?" She asked.
The boy looked up to her, his face expressionless. "I'm your son." He said.
"I don't have any children though." ____ countered.
"You do, but I am dead." He said. "My name was suppose to be Jackson."
"Jackson?" She repeated.
"Yes," The boy looked away. "This will be the last time you'll see me, but I forgive you. I love you, mommy."
You were shocked away, but not by your mind, but by a hand gently shaking you.
"Your hour is up," The soft voice of Mrs.Hoshiko said. "You can go home now."
"O-oh," You pulled the thin sheet away from you and followed her back to the waiting room.
Mathias was already waiting for you outside.
"So, how'd it go?" He asked.
As soon as those words came out, the numbness faded and salty tears came -fast. You sunk to your knees but luckily Mat caught you before you hit the pavement.
The drops spilled down your cheeks, your breath came in labored and racked your body. You buried your face in Mathias's chest, not that either you cared about ruining his jacket. He pulled you into another tight hug.
"Shh, it's OK." He whispered, rocking you like a scared child.
The blonde Dane shut his eyes too, not to block out the looks he was probably getting from passing strangers, but to keep from crying himself. It was true, he didn't feel ready to be a dad yet, with his drinking and childish personality.
But he truly hated seeing you in pain, crying uncontrollably in the parking lot of an abortion clinic. And the worst part was, he couldn't do anything to help you. He was just as powerless, he felt responsible for your pain.
A new feeling started to blossom in his heavy heart.††